An Infertile's take on Pregnancy

I've been mulling this post around in my head for 8 months.  I finally feel ready to share my thoughts on pregnancy and how year's of infertility affected my thoughts and feelings about it.

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to have kids.  I wanted to experience pregnancy and all the good (and not so good) things that come along with it.  I had built it up so much in my head about how life changing, exciting, and wonderful it was going to be, basically I anticipated 9 months of complete euphoria coupled with moments of discomfort and some nausea here and there.

Then I battled Infertility for 8 years.  It was rough, emotional, disappointing, discouraging, and depressing.  I was full of hurt, anger, jealousy, and negativity. 

I absolutely despised pregnancy announcements.  They hurt my feelings and rocked me to my core. I was unable to be happy for my friends and family because I was so overwhelmed with my feelings of loss, inability to conceive, and at their complete "lack of compassion" for me and my situation.  If you've never experienced infertility it is so hard to explain, but telling someone who is struggling that you, your sister, your cousin, or friend is pregnant like it's nbd is, for a lack of a better word, mean.  It's mean. Whether you're intending it that way or not, it is just taken that way.  Mostly because it's another reminder at how inadequate I am, that I cannot get pregnant or sustain a pregnancy.  

My gut reaction inside was always "Why the fu*k do you think I care or want to hear this??" but my response was usually "Oh that's nice" and then tried to change the subject.  Maybe it was my "nice response" where people felt like it was okay to tell me, but I just felt like I was dying inside and wanted to crawl in a hole to cry. 

Week after week, month after month, year after year...it took a toll on me.  I continued to stay optimistic, that maybe one day I too would get to experience the miracle of life inside me.  So I continued to build up pregnancy inside my head.  But loss after loss broke me down.  It made me fearful.  It made me nervous.  It made me aware of what could happen....at any point of a pregnancy.

Finally, Thomas and I decided to give it one last try, a Hail Mary, and went for IVF.  It wasn't supposed to work, I anticipated that it was just to check off the box and not actually happen.  Every injection, each appointment, every blood draw, each ultrasound blew my mind.  It was working...but still in the back of my head I was clouded with negativity and knowledge that it just wasn't going to happen.  I was just doing this now so that I wouldn't have regrets later.  But I knew it wasn't going to work. I put on a smile, as I do, but went through the motions expecting failure.  It was my way of protecting myself, being hopeful but knowing that it just wasn't going to happen.

Then, we had an embryo (6 actually) and one of them got the highest rating an embryo can get!! I was a mess, because all I could think about was how can something so perfect not work?? I had to let go and have faith, which for me - who loves to control everything - was so freaking hard.  We transferred that embryo on November 1st, 2017.  I was so full of cautious hope while also so full of potential loss.  Ten days later, I got my blood drawn.  It was confirmed that the embryo implanted and I was pregnant! I was overjoyed!! But I had been here before....four times actually. That blood draw didn't mean anything if the next three didn't show any progress....then they did!! And then we had an ultrasound and we saw it!! It was actually in the right place, there was hope that this would work.

I really thought that I was going to love pregnancy....but I didn't.  The entire 40+5 weeks my head was clouded with thoughts of loss, that I was going to miscarry, that he wasn't going to make it.  I had glimmer's and moments where I tried to embrace it, but it just wasn't what I had built up in my head.  I was closed off, I didn't allow myself to enjoy it because I wanted to be prepared for when it didn't work.  I had lots of bloodwork done, several ultrasounds, and doppler checks.  I was constantly doing kick counts (once I could feel him) and was hypersensitive to every single feeling in my body.

I hated it.

Let me explain, my pregnancy was so easy. I hardly had any nausea, practically no pain (until the end), no bleeding, some exhaustion, and slight bouts of being uncomfortable.  I was able to sleep (and go back to sleep after peeing) and still accomplish most of my daily desired tasks.  I was relentless at vacuuming, didn't gain a ton of weight, had no swelling, and could still climb over the fence to feed my horse.  But I still really did not like it.  I was overcome with fear the entire pregnancy. I had moments where I connected, I rubbed my belly often, I spoke to him occasionally, but it was mostly just telling him to stick around, to hang in there and to thrive.  Not once during my entire pregnancy with Séamus did I take a home pregnancy test, I was too afraid that it would be negative.



Our minds are incredible.  While physically my pregnancy was by the book, emotionally it was awful practically the entire time.  A month before Séamus was born, I enrolled for a Premium Starter Kit and my enroller, Courtney, sent me a Joy Roller: Joy + Grapefruit + Stress Away.  She told me it would support my emotions and I should roll it on my wrists and over my heart.  That last month of my pregnancy was the easiest of all the months, though still emotionally challenging.  I could see the light at the end, I had weekly appointments, and was finally able to enjoy my pregnancy to the extent that I would allow myself.  I continued to do kick counts throughout the day, freaked out when I couldn't feel him moving, and I was so very excited, anxious, and anticipating delivery because then I could watch him like a hawk and see if he was moving/breathing.

The last week of my pregnancy was physically demanding, his birth did NOT go as planned, but I was filled with so much relief to finally have my pregnancy be over.  I think back on it now, 8 months later, and wish that I would have enjoyed it more, embraced it, cherished it, and while I think I did the best I could....I still did not like it.  Because of my experience with Infertility and pregnancy losses prior to Séamus, my emotional and mental state during pregnancy was greatly affected.  I have no desire to ever do that again (plus 4 kids would be a lot) and really cannot wrap my head around women who say they loved being pregnant...because I hated it.








Here I am on the other side, a warrior, a defeater, an infertility success.  I am so grateful that I got to experience pregnancy because I know many women who won't, haven't, can't.  I feel guilty that I didn't love it.  I feel guilty that I didn't allow myself to enjoy it. But I also know that that is how I needed to do pregnancy, to protect myself, to get through it. We all have our own battles and journeys.  We all react to our situations differently. But please, please, be aware of and considerate of your audience when you are discussing pregnancy, announcing your pregnancy, or complaining that it took two months to get pregnant.  Even today, hearing about these stings just a little bit.

♥ Ashley