An Infertile's take on Pregnancy

I've been mulling this post around in my head for 8 months.  I finally feel ready to share my thoughts on pregnancy and how year's of infertility affected my thoughts and feelings about it.

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to have kids.  I wanted to experience pregnancy and all the good (and not so good) things that come along with it.  I had built it up so much in my head about how life changing, exciting, and wonderful it was going to be, basically I anticipated 9 months of complete euphoria coupled with moments of discomfort and some nausea here and there.

Then I battled Infertility for 8 years.  It was rough, emotional, disappointing, discouraging, and depressing.  I was full of hurt, anger, jealousy, and negativity. 

I absolutely despised pregnancy announcements.  They hurt my feelings and rocked me to my core. I was unable to be happy for my friends and family because I was so overwhelmed with my feelings of loss, inability to conceive, and at their complete "lack of compassion" for me and my situation.  If you've never experienced infertility it is so hard to explain, but telling someone who is struggling that you, your sister, your cousin, or friend is pregnant like it's nbd is, for a lack of a better word, mean.  It's mean. Whether you're intending it that way or not, it is just taken that way.  Mostly because it's another reminder at how inadequate I am, that I cannot get pregnant or sustain a pregnancy.  

My gut reaction inside was always "Why the fu*k do you think I care or want to hear this??" but my response was usually "Oh that's nice" and then tried to change the subject.  Maybe it was my "nice response" where people felt like it was okay to tell me, but I just felt like I was dying inside and wanted to crawl in a hole to cry. 

Week after week, month after month, year after year...it took a toll on me.  I continued to stay optimistic, that maybe one day I too would get to experience the miracle of life inside me.  So I continued to build up pregnancy inside my head.  But loss after loss broke me down.  It made me fearful.  It made me nervous.  It made me aware of what could happen....at any point of a pregnancy.

Finally, Thomas and I decided to give it one last try, a Hail Mary, and went for IVF.  It wasn't supposed to work, I anticipated that it was just to check off the box and not actually happen.  Every injection, each appointment, every blood draw, each ultrasound blew my mind.  It was working...but still in the back of my head I was clouded with negativity and knowledge that it just wasn't going to happen.  I was just doing this now so that I wouldn't have regrets later.  But I knew it wasn't going to work. I put on a smile, as I do, but went through the motions expecting failure.  It was my way of protecting myself, being hopeful but knowing that it just wasn't going to happen.

Then, we had an embryo (6 actually) and one of them got the highest rating an embryo can get!! I was a mess, because all I could think about was how can something so perfect not work?? I had to let go and have faith, which for me - who loves to control everything - was so freaking hard.  We transferred that embryo on November 1st, 2017.  I was so full of cautious hope while also so full of potential loss.  Ten days later, I got my blood drawn.  It was confirmed that the embryo implanted and I was pregnant! I was overjoyed!! But I had been here before....four times actually. That blood draw didn't mean anything if the next three didn't show any progress....then they did!! And then we had an ultrasound and we saw it!! It was actually in the right place, there was hope that this would work.

I really thought that I was going to love pregnancy....but I didn't.  The entire 40+5 weeks my head was clouded with thoughts of loss, that I was going to miscarry, that he wasn't going to make it.  I had glimmer's and moments where I tried to embrace it, but it just wasn't what I had built up in my head.  I was closed off, I didn't allow myself to enjoy it because I wanted to be prepared for when it didn't work.  I had lots of bloodwork done, several ultrasounds, and doppler checks.  I was constantly doing kick counts (once I could feel him) and was hypersensitive to every single feeling in my body.

I hated it.

Let me explain, my pregnancy was so easy. I hardly had any nausea, practically no pain (until the end), no bleeding, some exhaustion, and slight bouts of being uncomfortable.  I was able to sleep (and go back to sleep after peeing) and still accomplish most of my daily desired tasks.  I was relentless at vacuuming, didn't gain a ton of weight, had no swelling, and could still climb over the fence to feed my horse.  But I still really did not like it.  I was overcome with fear the entire pregnancy. I had moments where I connected, I rubbed my belly often, I spoke to him occasionally, but it was mostly just telling him to stick around, to hang in there and to thrive.  Not once during my entire pregnancy with Séamus did I take a home pregnancy test, I was too afraid that it would be negative.



Our minds are incredible.  While physically my pregnancy was by the book, emotionally it was awful practically the entire time.  A month before Séamus was born, I enrolled for a Premium Starter Kit and my enroller, Courtney, sent me a Joy Roller: Joy + Grapefruit + Stress Away.  She told me it would support my emotions and I should roll it on my wrists and over my heart.  That last month of my pregnancy was the easiest of all the months, though still emotionally challenging.  I could see the light at the end, I had weekly appointments, and was finally able to enjoy my pregnancy to the extent that I would allow myself.  I continued to do kick counts throughout the day, freaked out when I couldn't feel him moving, and I was so very excited, anxious, and anticipating delivery because then I could watch him like a hawk and see if he was moving/breathing.

The last week of my pregnancy was physically demanding, his birth did NOT go as planned, but I was filled with so much relief to finally have my pregnancy be over.  I think back on it now, 8 months later, and wish that I would have enjoyed it more, embraced it, cherished it, and while I think I did the best I could....I still did not like it.  Because of my experience with Infertility and pregnancy losses prior to Séamus, my emotional and mental state during pregnancy was greatly affected.  I have no desire to ever do that again (plus 4 kids would be a lot) and really cannot wrap my head around women who say they loved being pregnant...because I hated it.








Here I am on the other side, a warrior, a defeater, an infertility success.  I am so grateful that I got to experience pregnancy because I know many women who won't, haven't, can't.  I feel guilty that I didn't love it.  I feel guilty that I didn't allow myself to enjoy it. But I also know that that is how I needed to do pregnancy, to protect myself, to get through it. We all have our own battles and journeys.  We all react to our situations differently. But please, please, be aware of and considerate of your audience when you are discussing pregnancy, announcing your pregnancy, or complaining that it took two months to get pregnant.  Even today, hearing about these stings just a little bit.

♥ Ashley

Our Weekend - the middle of January

A couple weekends ago we took a day trip to our favorite island.  The only way on or off the island is by a Ferry and it's one of the girls favorite parts of the trip.  The Ferry ride is super quick maybe a 15 minute ride...but it's also very busy so we have to get to the Ferry dock at least 30 minutes before departure (both ways) otherwise we risk not being able to board.

Our first stop is always The Snapdragon to grab some delicious vegetarian pastries, then to Café Luna for the best latte's in the State.  Our favorite is a Caramel Hemp Latte but one time they have a Lavender Honey Latte with Hemp that was so bomb.  Ellie decided to try a juice (and actually liked it) and Finnley had a cup of cold milk that she somehow managed to get a giant milk mustache from. Séamus got to hang out in the high chair and it was just the best ever! 

After we sat in the Café and enjoyed our coffee, read some books to the girls, we made our way back into the car to drive across the street to the park in town.  We bundled up the kids so they could stay warm while they played outside. The girls had an absolute blast on the tire swing and climbing on all toys.  Séamus was bundled up and hung out in the stroller, I tried to get him into the baby swing but he wasn't having it.

After playing at the park, Séamus and I walked to the restaurant (he had fallen asleep in the stroller) for lunch to put our name on the waitlist.  Thomas got the girls in the car to move it again closer to the restaurant.  While we were waiting for our table we made our way to the Pharmacy to play in the toy aisles and check out all the cute island wear.  We may or may not have purchased a couple of onesies and a sleeper for Séamus...

We had our lunch. Ellie had Fish and Chips, Finnley ate crackers, Thomas had a burger, and I had Eggs Benedict. Séamus finally woke up half way through the meal and Thomas offered to go and change his diaper (bless him), and then we hopped in the car to head out to the beach!  The girls made friends on the beach, made sand castles, got soaked in the water, and Séamus just hung out with me on a log.

Then it was time to head back to the Ferry and we fully enjoyed our day on our favorite island.  On the way home we checked out airbnb and have decided that we're going to rent a house for a couple of nights this year so that we can fully explore the island and see all that it has to offer!

♥ Ashley

Half a Year!!!!!!

These past 6 months have seriously just flown by.  Life with 3 kids is definitely super busy and I wouldn't change it for anything.  Even though I started a business the same month that Séamus was born, I have had the opportunity to still be incredibly present in his daily life, nurse him on demand, and watch the kids every single day!  We have had so many highlights and accomplishments this half of a year and I have to admit that I am in both complete disbelief that this is actually our lives while also feeling that this is exactly how it's meant to be.

Séamus has grown and changed so much in his first half of a year and in reality that is when most of the changing actually happens.  He has also experienced almost every major holiday so far, which just blows my mind but I guess that's what happens with a summer baby.  So let's go over some of the Highlights of Séamus first 6 months...because I really just want to have them all written down in one space.

July:

Séamus was born 5 days late via emergency C-section.  We had to switch gears on our birthing plan and instead of being discharged within hours of his delivery we got admitted into the hospital and spent 2 nights there.  I dedicated so much of my time to physical recovery as well as learning how to breastfeed and navigating all of the hormonal milk production.  We focused a lot of energy on encouraging Joy and Love between Ellie, Finnley and Séamus and did our best to continue to give a lot of attention to the girls.  We took our inaugural trip to Target, out to eat, and spent plenty of time at home. I also started my Oils Business.

August:

We went on a family vacation and Séamus went on his very first plane ride at just 3 weeks old to go to Disneyland.  We survived the heat of Southern California, the crowds at Disneyland, and how different it is going with 3 kids.  Finnley got her collarbone broken so we had to manage the healing and set up Xray appointments.  We had post delivery doctor appointments and well baby check ups. I hit my first Rank of Star in my Oils Business. Séamus was nursing non-stop and it was quite painful at times. So we had a couple visits with the lactation consultants for more tips and tricks and learned he had a severe lip and tongue tie.  This was the month of using Stress Away daily and when we really leaned on our oils for emotional support.  We also went on lots of excusions and took the Ferry over to our Favorite Island and Séamus got to go on his very first beach!

September:

Séamus had his procedure for his lip and tongue tie as well as 6x daily recovery exercises and stretches to help his mouth heal well.  He absolutely loves baths (from his very first one after his stump fell off) the first of the three to love them from the get go!! Finnley's collarbone wasn't healing as expected so she was required to be in her sling for 3 solid weeks.  Ellie started Kindergarten several days late due to the Teacher's being on Strike because the District was unwilling to negotiate a fair wage.  We started back up with Nannying and began creating a new routine with Ellie in school 5 days a week. A visit to the State Fair was in order and we all had so much fun, the girls going on rides, pushing the boy around in the stroller and enjoying the ever famous scones!! We ramped up our use of Thieves around the house to give us all the immune support now that Ellie was in school and I made some major strides in my Oils Business that gave me the confidence and knowledge that I Can Do This!!

October:

Séamus turned 3 months and we got sibling photos taken.  All three kids did an amazing job and they were probably the best photos of Finnley to date!  We went to two different pumpkin patches, one with our MOPs group and the other on the other side of the mountains with Nanny and Papa.  It was a beautiful day, Séamus slept in the Ergo for most of it and then nursed the rest!  The girls went bananas for the whole excursion and both wanted to pick up the biggest pumpkins they could find.  Séamus also got to celebrate his very first Halloween and went out trick or treating as Mickey Mouse!  This month was also flooded with memories of all the hormones, shots, injections, appointments, emotions, ultrasounds, and procedures we endured last year (2017) to make Séamus a reality.  I also hit the Rank of Senior Star in my Oils Business, which was so very exciting!

November:

We were filled with gratitude this month as we approached Thanksgiving and once again were reminded at how fragile we were last year at the newness of our pregnancy.  Séamus was a happy happy boy, still nursing around the clock, not sleeping through the night and quite the petite little boy. At his 4 month well baby check up our pediatrician felt that he wasn't gaining weight quick enough and advised that my breastmilk was not substantial enough and we needed to move onto formula and/or begin solids.  I refused to do either and instead I began applying Fennel Essential Oil, increased my water and calorie intake as well as nursed Séamus as often as he wanted.  Aside from him being at the bottom of the weight percentile he was the happiest little boy and hitting all the other major milestones and was thriving.  We took a day trip to Portland, attended an assembly at Ellie's school (per her request), little man got to go in the pool for the first time as well as begin life in the exersaucer!! My Oils Business went crazy and I moved up another Rank to Executive!! Never in my mind did I think I would hit that rank so quickly and I am so so grateful for my team and leader to help me achieve this!

December:

We really tried to take this month slow and easy.  We eliminated a lot of our Christmas Activities and just did our best to soak up this fleeting time with our kids.  Séamus was the best little trooper and went along with all the things we did decide to do.  I attended my first vendor event with Séamus and he was absolutely perfect and the event was quite successful!! Hooray! The littles and I attended play group at the library, I hosted my annual Ladies Holiday Party (with Séamus in attendance), and we had a baby play date.  We celebrated Christmas with ourselves and each of our families, visited Santa, and enjoyed all the family time we could.  Séamus was still nursing all throughout the day,  moved up in the clothing department, and was just as happy as could be.  Near the end of the month/year he was so close to sitting and we all couldn't wait for it to happen. My team and I worked as hard as we could and made some great strides but I didn't maintain my Executive Rank this month.

January:

Séamus rang in the New Year with a new skill!!  He began sitting with intention on New Years Day and we all celebrated.  We spend the last week of Christmas Vacation with each other doing all the things.  Séamus spent a lot of time working on his sitting skills, sitting in the Bumbo, and began drooling even more than usual and was sticking all the things in his mouth.  We got all bundled up and took another day trip to Vashon Island, spent lots of time at the library, and Séamus got to sit in his very first high chair! I was still taking in lots of water, eating more food, and continuing to incorporate Fennel Essential Oil into my daily routine.  He rolled all over the place and was able to wiggle himself to where he wanted to go. Sweet boy hit the 6 month mark and gained enough weight for our pediatrician to accept that he is just a petite little guy.  We also started to have Séamus begin sleeping in his room at night and a nighttime routine set in place with getting his diffuser set up with Sleepyize and Gentle Baby, spraying his crib with Seedlings Linen Spray, and being sure to apply his baby roller to his feet when he gets changed into his jams.  He would make it about 3 hours before he woke up and joined us in our bed for the remainder of the night.

This 6 months has gone by so quickly and I love looking back and remembering all the fun things, milestones made, challenges overcome, and growth in all things we have experienced.  Life is better with our family complete and I can't wait to see what the next 6 months brings: crawling, walking (hopefully), talking (hopefully), solid foods, and Séamus first international vacation to Ireland and England!!

♥ Ashley