An Infertile's take on Pregnancy

I've been mulling this post around in my head for 8 months.  I finally feel ready to share my thoughts on pregnancy and how year's of infertility affected my thoughts and feelings about it.

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to have kids.  I wanted to experience pregnancy and all the good (and not so good) things that come along with it.  I had built it up so much in my head about how life changing, exciting, and wonderful it was going to be, basically I anticipated 9 months of complete euphoria coupled with moments of discomfort and some nausea here and there.

Then I battled Infertility for 8 years.  It was rough, emotional, disappointing, discouraging, and depressing.  I was full of hurt, anger, jealousy, and negativity. 

I absolutely despised pregnancy announcements.  They hurt my feelings and rocked me to my core. I was unable to be happy for my friends and family because I was so overwhelmed with my feelings of loss, inability to conceive, and at their complete "lack of compassion" for me and my situation.  If you've never experienced infertility it is so hard to explain, but telling someone who is struggling that you, your sister, your cousin, or friend is pregnant like it's nbd is, for a lack of a better word, mean.  It's mean. Whether you're intending it that way or not, it is just taken that way.  Mostly because it's another reminder at how inadequate I am, that I cannot get pregnant or sustain a pregnancy.  

My gut reaction inside was always "Why the fu*k do you think I care or want to hear this??" but my response was usually "Oh that's nice" and then tried to change the subject.  Maybe it was my "nice response" where people felt like it was okay to tell me, but I just felt like I was dying inside and wanted to crawl in a hole to cry. 

Week after week, month after month, year after year...it took a toll on me.  I continued to stay optimistic, that maybe one day I too would get to experience the miracle of life inside me.  So I continued to build up pregnancy inside my head.  But loss after loss broke me down.  It made me fearful.  It made me nervous.  It made me aware of what could happen....at any point of a pregnancy.

Finally, Thomas and I decided to give it one last try, a Hail Mary, and went for IVF.  It wasn't supposed to work, I anticipated that it was just to check off the box and not actually happen.  Every injection, each appointment, every blood draw, each ultrasound blew my mind.  It was working...but still in the back of my head I was clouded with negativity and knowledge that it just wasn't going to happen.  I was just doing this now so that I wouldn't have regrets later.  But I knew it wasn't going to work. I put on a smile, as I do, but went through the motions expecting failure.  It was my way of protecting myself, being hopeful but knowing that it just wasn't going to happen.

Then, we had an embryo (6 actually) and one of them got the highest rating an embryo can get!! I was a mess, because all I could think about was how can something so perfect not work?? I had to let go and have faith, which for me - who loves to control everything - was so freaking hard.  We transferred that embryo on November 1st, 2017.  I was so full of cautious hope while also so full of potential loss.  Ten days later, I got my blood drawn.  It was confirmed that the embryo implanted and I was pregnant! I was overjoyed!! But I had been here before....four times actually. That blood draw didn't mean anything if the next three didn't show any progress....then they did!! And then we had an ultrasound and we saw it!! It was actually in the right place, there was hope that this would work.

I really thought that I was going to love pregnancy....but I didn't.  The entire 40+5 weeks my head was clouded with thoughts of loss, that I was going to miscarry, that he wasn't going to make it.  I had glimmer's and moments where I tried to embrace it, but it just wasn't what I had built up in my head.  I was closed off, I didn't allow myself to enjoy it because I wanted to be prepared for when it didn't work.  I had lots of bloodwork done, several ultrasounds, and doppler checks.  I was constantly doing kick counts (once I could feel him) and was hypersensitive to every single feeling in my body.

I hated it.

Let me explain, my pregnancy was so easy. I hardly had any nausea, practically no pain (until the end), no bleeding, some exhaustion, and slight bouts of being uncomfortable.  I was able to sleep (and go back to sleep after peeing) and still accomplish most of my daily desired tasks.  I was relentless at vacuuming, didn't gain a ton of weight, had no swelling, and could still climb over the fence to feed my horse.  But I still really did not like it.  I was overcome with fear the entire pregnancy. I had moments where I connected, I rubbed my belly often, I spoke to him occasionally, but it was mostly just telling him to stick around, to hang in there and to thrive.  Not once during my entire pregnancy with Séamus did I take a home pregnancy test, I was too afraid that it would be negative.



Our minds are incredible.  While physically my pregnancy was by the book, emotionally it was awful practically the entire time.  A month before Séamus was born, I enrolled for a Premium Starter Kit and my enroller, Courtney, sent me a Joy Roller: Joy + Grapefruit + Stress Away.  She told me it would support my emotions and I should roll it on my wrists and over my heart.  That last month of my pregnancy was the easiest of all the months, though still emotionally challenging.  I could see the light at the end, I had weekly appointments, and was finally able to enjoy my pregnancy to the extent that I would allow myself.  I continued to do kick counts throughout the day, freaked out when I couldn't feel him moving, and I was so very excited, anxious, and anticipating delivery because then I could watch him like a hawk and see if he was moving/breathing.

The last week of my pregnancy was physically demanding, his birth did NOT go as planned, but I was filled with so much relief to finally have my pregnancy be over.  I think back on it now, 8 months later, and wish that I would have enjoyed it more, embraced it, cherished it, and while I think I did the best I could....I still did not like it.  Because of my experience with Infertility and pregnancy losses prior to Séamus, my emotional and mental state during pregnancy was greatly affected.  I have no desire to ever do that again (plus 4 kids would be a lot) and really cannot wrap my head around women who say they loved being pregnant...because I hated it.








Here I am on the other side, a warrior, a defeater, an infertility success.  I am so grateful that I got to experience pregnancy because I know many women who won't, haven't, can't.  I feel guilty that I didn't love it.  I feel guilty that I didn't allow myself to enjoy it. But I also know that that is how I needed to do pregnancy, to protect myself, to get through it. We all have our own battles and journeys.  We all react to our situations differently. But please, please, be aware of and considerate of your audience when you are discussing pregnancy, announcing your pregnancy, or complaining that it took two months to get pregnant.  Even today, hearing about these stings just a little bit.

♥ Ashley

A Friday in May

Y'all it's MAY!!! for some reason it's one of my favorite months and I look forward to it every year.  I think it's the perfect combination of weather not too hot, not too cold and there are so many beautiful flowers out.  It's the beginning of Peony season here in the PNW (and probably elsewhere) and we're nearing the end of the school year which means Summer Break is upon us.

We've been up to a lot of things lately, some home improvements and playing outside!  I am adoring this season of life with both of the girls, ages 2 and almost 5, and plan on soaking as much of it up as I can before little baby bro makes his appearance in July and changes the whole dynamic of our family...speaking of which I'm in the 3rd Trimester!!  Hooray!!

::ONE::

Finnley found a Connect Four game and was mesmerized by it for over 15 minutes just working on her fine motor skills putting the "coins" into the grid.  She was so proud of herself and the fact that she figured it all out on her own is my favorite.  I'm thinking that we might need to invest in one because Ellie loved it too!

::TWO::

The girls and I have been doing swimming lessons for quite some time but recently I was able to schedule both lessons at the same time so we all get to have some extra pool time once their classes are over.  I got Ellie a pair of these goggles and her confidence in the pool has grown immensely.  It's funny how the little things can make such a difference at this age.  I'm loving seeing her excitement in the pool and enjoyment in the water, I feel that swimming is a valuable life saving skill and I'm so glad we have the opportunity to get in the pool every single week.  Finnley likes the water most of the time, as long as I don't dunk her, and I love the one on one time we get to have with her parent child lessons.

::THREE::

Gardening is my therapy, for the longest time my garden was my womb due to Infertility.  Since I was unable to conceive and carry out a pregnancy, my garden allowed me to be fruitful in something.  I really grew a fondness for it and love to get outside and weed, plant, and nurture all my plants.  We've been growing a vegetable garden since 2009, our first married Spring in this house and I have learned so much.  We moved locations of it in 2010 when we remodeled our front yard (removed over 20 junipers and tons of gravel and replaced with a giant flower bed, spans of grass and doubled the size of our vegetable garden.  I love sharing my passion with the girls - though I am very controlling - but the fact that they enjoy it too just makes it everything.  I totally switched up our vegetable garden again this year and put to use some old raised bed boxes we had been storing for several years.  So the amount of space for actual growing has been reduced but I think that it has more purpose.  I am also instituting a new "trick" I learned about and am covering the unused ground with cardboard to prevent all the weeds from growing (so now I can repurpose all the boxes we have, thank you Amazon).  So far I have quite a bit growing: Kale, Sugar Snap Peas, Artichokes (again...), Brussels Sprouts, and Leeks.  I also got a new Bay Leaf Laurel that I have in a pot and potted up some mint (it spreads like crazy - live and learn) to help deter some pests.  Then I pulled some of my extra Lavender and am seeing if I can transplant it to the Vegetable Garden to help encourage the Bees!!

::FOUR::

The weather has been fantastic lately and the other day we got to spend so much of it outside.  I wasn't feeling too well, my tummy was queasy all day but the girls sure did have a great time.  Ellie got to ride her bike for about 45 minutes, they played with bubbles, drew on the driveway with sidewalk chalk, had popsicles, jumped on the trampoline (thank you Nanny and Papa for the birthday gift), and we got a new hammock that we've all been enjoying.

::FIVE::

Last weekend we hosted all of our family to celebrate Under the Sea both Ellie and Finnley for their birthday's.  I loved having a combined celebration for them and plan on that for future years.  April and May are pretty busy months for us with 6 birthday's that combining the girls this year was the best!  Both of the girls are obsessed with Ariel (Finnley especially) and it was the perfect theme...we had so many props already that we really didn't have to get too much for the decorations.  The girls had the best time and got some pretty great presents too: a Trampoline!! (thank you Nanny and Papa) a 3in1 Slip'n'Slide (thank you Uncle), some WalkieTalkies (thank you Cousins), SnuggieTails (thank you Uncle) and some Magnetic Dolls (thank you Cousins).  I'll post more of their party details next week!!

::SIX::

Lowe's was finally back on Ebates so I was able to get the Chandelier I've had my eyes on for forever to replace the beautiful original 1989 light fixture in our Master Bedroom.  It was the last one we needed to replace and I cannot believe the difference it's made.  I'm so glad that we waited this long though because I've been looking for a solid 10 years and am pretty sure that this is the very best one ever.  I was pretty concerned about whether it would provide enough light in our room (which happens to be the darkest and coldest of the whole house) and I am so happy to report that it brings so much light and warmth, it's perfection.  Our room has taken a while to get its makeover but the best things happen over time and I am so happy with the progress.  So far we have: replaced the carpet with wood flooring, painted the walls white, upgraded the baseboard, upgraded to a King bed, replaced all our matching furniture, replaced the light fixture, switched out to a flat screen tv,  and added in bits of farmhouse decor like old ladders, benches and crates on the walls. Not to mention our reindeer pelt we picked up while in Finland!! I love it!!  I also have replaced all the door knobs in our house so they are all in working order and matching!!

Have a Happy Happy Weekend!!

♥ Ashley

How Infertility Shaped My Parenting Style

If you've been following along here for any amount of time then you know that Infertility is a BIG part of my life.  Never in my mind did I think I would suffer from this horrendous and life seizing disease.  Not only has my Infertility Journey shaped who I am as a person but also how I view parenting and raising children.

becoming a Mom is a dream come true

Momming these girls is rewarding and fulfilling every single day

For seven years I was plagued with the daily battle of Infertility.  Pregnancy announcements, pregnant women, babies, and then parents/children in general were major triggers for me.  Being in the presence of these triggers had the potential to make me check out, become negative, or really really sad.  Each month I would get my hopes up and try to have a really positive attitude about all the things and then my period would come and my world would turn upside down...again.

One of the most challenging things for me during this journey (and still today) are the behavior's of children and the subsequent parenting that they come from.  During the woe's of Infertility the last thing I could handle were inattentive parents that seemed to have no discipline for their children.  It's one thing to allow your child to run rampant in your own home, but when you are out and about or at someone else's house, turning a blind eye to your child's behavior is disrespectful.  Not to mention relying on other adults to correct your children for you so that you're "not the bad guy" is one of my pet peeves.  My emotional state from Infertiltiy exacerbated my feelings on this and would bring up some major anxiety.  It literally felt like a slap in the face when I had to be around unruly children and their parents who did nothing about it.  

 being silly is still allowed

Still today I share some of the same sentiments.  Even though I am over the hump of my Infertility depression I am raising my daughter's much differently than I probably would have if we'd gotten pregnant that first month we tried back in 2008.  I am a disciplinarian and try to be very mindful of my children's actions and behavior's (and mine too).  I have very high standards for my daughter's behavior's and insist on them being respectful of other people's property and to use their manners.  Although, Finnley is giving me a serious run for my money - so I'm a bit contradictory with her... It is a rarity that my girls are out of eyesight at friends houses and if they are I routinely check on them and give action/behavior corrections all the time.  

 life isn't supposed to be all about rules, fun can still happen

I have not baby proofed my house, with the exception of cabinet door locks (that are rarely used), because I believe it is important for kids to know that there are things that are OFF LIMITS even if they are within reach.  It's required me to do a lot of redirecting and to really keep an eye on my girls, very few things have been broken and the most important part is they understand that some things are off limits.  This has made it so much easier to take them out shopping in stores, to crowded antique stores, and to other people's houses.  They KNOW that they cannot just help themselves to anything they wish, that they must ask first, and that most things are probably OFF LIMITS.  While it might be quite a bit of work in the early years it totally pays off as they get older since these standards have been a routine since day 1. 

parenting as a team on the same page is essential and traveling with the girls is easy because of the foundation we've built with their behavior

And here's the thing, we take our girls everywhere with us.  I take the girls everywhere with me and while it might not always be seamless and extra behavior corrections happen I never dread taking them with me and actually enjoy all of our outings.  Flying 10 hours overseas is nothing to us, it's just like driving the 10 minutes to the store.  Spending all day in Disneyland is not stressful because we know we can handle our girls.  Meltdowns happen, frustration arises and arguments are inevitable, but building a foundation of expectations and reaping the rewards is incredibly satisfying.  It's never too late to start but the earlier the easier.

having the girls solo during parts of our trips are some of my favorite times and I look forward to them

I don't ever want my family to depart leaving someone battling Infertility with the same feelings of hurt, angst, irritation, and anxiety that I often felt myself.  So if you're ever around us and you think I might be a little "too strict" with my girls, it's because I want them to be good people and I don't want to set off an emotional battle for an Infertile woman.  But mostly because I think children should be respectful of their surroundings and learn to control themselves.

♥ Ashley

click here to read all my posts about Infertility

Oh Boy it's Fri-Yay!!!! plans for my birthday, home decor and other updates

Friday is here which means we are at the very beginning of "Green Week" in celebration of my Birthday and St. Patrick's Day which is next Saturday!  So what we do is we dress in green every day to show our Irish Pride.  I'd love to see your green and how you celebrate.

ONE

Speaking of my birthday, I don't really have any big plans.  I'm turning 34, I'm pregnant, tired, and all I really want to do is take a nap!  We are heading out to lunch with my dad at a local Irish restaurant and then my BFF is coming over for dinner and cake (which I'm making).  I just want to spend the day with my family and hopefully getting a few projects crossed off the list.

TWO

We've got all our St. Patrick's Day decor up (see last year's decor) and I have a St. Patrick's Day station playing on Pandora through our Echo Dot.  She's so nice to have, but Ellie got to talking to her the other and claimed she was Thomas and began the Voice Recognition process...so now Alexa thinks that Thomas sounds like a 4 year old girl 😂.  Thankfully she's not set up to purchase anything for us so we're hopefully in the clear.  However, Ellie adores Alexa and is always telling me that Alexa's head is in the clouds!! Haha

THREE

We haven't done our St. Pat's Day art yet but I have big plans to get it done this weekend.  I always find myself stocking up on the 8x10 canvas at Michaels when they have a sale (I've got quite the collection now) so that the girls can get their paint on for the holidays.  My favorites are Valentines, St. Pats, and Christmas.  Just this year I decided to display their previous year's work in their rooms and Ellie is over the moon seeing her artwork up on the walls.  Finnley seems to be quite into the artwork as well and it's so fun to see what she comes up with.  We usually do shades of green and the girls tend to do more abstract art and then I go over it with a gold to give it some more holiday flare.

FOUR

This past month I've been getting paperwork together to sign Ellie up for Kindergarten!! Our home school district isn't the best so I had to do some extra steps to waiver her into a neighboring district...which means she's going to miss out on riding the school bus and not have neighborhood friends from school.  Which I'm totally used to since my parents sent me to private school and all my friends lived in a different city than I did.  It was so exciting to get the email that she was approved to waiver and then to do all the paperwork for Kindergarten.  She still has some improvements to make sure she is 100% Kindergarten ready (so I have a spot reserved for her preschool again) but I have high hopes that the next few months will prove to be full of growth for her.  I love the prospect of her going to Kindergarten for full days because I think its going to be so good for her, and bonus points she is so excited to go to Kinder, and it will be nice to have some one on one time with Finnley while the babe sleeps all day 🙏.

FIVE

Speaking of the babe, I know y'all are dying to learn the gender.  And today is the day I'm going to share it with you!!!  I've known for quite some time that I wanted Disney to play a part in our eventual pregnancy and I loved having the opportunity to make our pregnancy announcement from the parks.  

Now I get to do it again and have the help of Disney to announce the gender of our sweet little nugget!!  We found out the day before we left what we were having and I got to start my plan the minute our feet hit the ground in California.  Our first order of business was to get a balloon...but then we learned that with the construction they were doing in DL that the characters weren't out and about on Main Street USA and we'd have to visit them in their homes in ToonTown with a wait of over 90 minutes - not happening.  So I brainstormed and tried to come up with an alternative so we made our way to City Hall and picked up some buttons for the fam.  On day 3 of our visit the walls were down on Main Street and the character's were out!!  We donned our appropriate Mouse wear, brought the balloon and buttons with us.  We learned what time our Mouse of choice would be out and made sure to arrive before that so we could get in line.  While we were waiting...our balloon got loose and flew away!! I was distraught and pissed and went on a search for the balloon guy only to learn that they wouldn't be out for another SIX hours!!!  Thankfully one of the cast members went behind the scenes and was able to retrieve our beloved balloon just in time for our Mouse to come out!!  We were first in line and got some great shots! Enjoy!

Mickey noticed my button right away and was so congratulatory!  He made sure to make a big deal with both of the girls and it was just everything I had hoped!!  Even Finnley was on board and willing to interact with Mickey sans tears!!

So if you couldn't guess, we are having a BOY!!! the first (and quite possibly only) boy in Thomas family, immediate and extended.  We are over the moon to continue the Parsons legacy and to bring a whole new dynamic to family gatherings!  Ellie is super excited to have a brother and can't keep herself from telling anyone we come in contact with.  When we found out at the ultrasound she exclaimed "I always wanted a brother!!" Finnley gives the belly kisses on the daily and has absolutely no idea what happening.

♥ Ashley

in case you missed it:

Monday I posted the latest Bumpdate

Thursday I posted tips on guessing the gender

Oh Friday - October Vibes

I am in serious disbelief that October is nearly over.  I mean I guess I shouldn't be too surprised because when you pack you days full (by vacuuming everyday because of all the dog hair and cracker crumbs) and live life for a certain time of day, life tends to go by pretty quickly.  We've been making the most of our October and it really is one of our most favorite months of the year.

ONE

We've started on a pretty crazy journey this month! We are trying our very last option to having a biological baby...yep that's right we're doing IVF!! It's all been moving so quickly - which is good because it hasn't really given me time to think about it all 😉 but also that we're getting that much closer to the end of this chapter.  IVF was in the talks before we adopted Ellie but our desire to become parents was too strong for the gamble of IVF not to mention my mental/emotional health was really thin.  So here we are 7 years, 2 daughters and one fallopian tube down and we are giving science a go.

one of many blood draws

all my meds

injection training

my nightly dose of injections

I first met with our doctor in the middle of September, then we went to Disneyland and I started on birth control, then I went in for a couple of uterine scans and blood tests when we came back from the Happiest Place on Earth.  Then it was time to go to my injections training and the arrival of a huge box of stimulation meds that I have to inject myself with 2 meds every night at the same time and starting this morning I have to add in a morning shot as well.  I've had some more blood tests and ultrasounds and everything is looking pretty normal.  I've been giving myself shots for 5 days and it's actually not as bad as I thought it was going to be...but I guess my morning injection is the real kicker so we'll find out about that in a couple of hours.

TWO

We've been hitting up the Pumpkin Patches pretty hard this month and I don't hear anyone complaining.  Our first visit was to the farm stand we've gone to the past 3 years, then the girls and I went to another local patch for Ellie's school field trip, then we went to a U-Pick patch on our favorite island that was completely empty and we paid on the honor system into their wooden pay box (gotta love country life), and then finally I went back to the local patch with the girls for the last nice day of the week!  I don't know what it is about all those pumpkins but they make my heart go pitter patter and I love that Ellie and Finnley love them too.

she picked the biggest pumpkin in the patch

THREE

Ellie comes home from school with the cutest assignments.  She is excelling so much more than I thought she would and I love that she is doing so well in Pre-K.  We tend to butt heads pretty hard at home when it comes to working on our letters or numbers but since school has started she has really acquired a zest for learning and actually wants to do her "schoolwork" with me!! Her school work is actually just those workbooks we picked up at Costco a few months back and she does so good with them.  I am so impressed and know that she is in the right place for her.  But seriously all her school work she comes home with is the sweetest...I'm keeping it all (because I'm a borderline hoarder apparently) and got a filing box to store it all in her closet.

FOUR

Finnley turned 18 months last week and she is all sorts of adorable.  She is running around everywhere, climbing on all the things, and has multiple meltdowns throughout the day.  Finn is totally hilarious and makes the goofiest of faces.  She doesn't have very many words "Mama" and "Dada" are the most decipherable but she also says "Ella" for Ellie, "Milmil" in a very forceful tone for milk and "Ama ama" for animal crackers or just about any other kind of snack, and "woowoo" to make a car sound, and most recently she's started to say "uhoh".  She is constantly making faces and moves her tongue all around (and can roll her tongue) and makes all sorts of noises, so talking may be in her near future.  

Other notes about this sweet girl she has 16 teeth, is 33" tall and can suck down a pouch in under 3 seconds.  Her favorite things are cell phones, tv remotes, and all the breakable things 😒. Finnley now loves the bath and comes running when she hears me turn on the faucet, loves to splash and wash her hands in the dog water sink and is still very unsure of the goats.  She loves to help clean up (putting toys in baskets 🙌 but also loves to shove all of her food off of her high chair when she's all done.  She throws herself on the floor multiple times a day in true toddler tantrum fashion and gets so mad about stuff but then in 1 second she's running around and a bowl full of laughter.  She gives her emotions hard and has started kissing us and just thinks its the best ever, I do too!

FIVE

I dropped my phone the other day 🙀 which isn't anything out of the ordinary except for the fact that it cracked my phone...so it's going to cost $150 to get fixed or if I wait a few months (which I can) I'll have paid off more of the phone [we have the iPhone forever plan] and only have to pay back 1/2 of what I owe for the upgrade.  The crack isn't horrible, it just barely missed my camera (thank God!!) so I think I'll be fine with the crack for a while.  Anyways I had to take it to the mall to find out from the Apple store how much it was to replace and then to Sprint to find out what my options were and I happened upon H&M...seriously you guys they have the cutest things in right now for Halloween.  I couldn't help myself and I picked up this skirt and this top and then I saw this skirt and this top (similar, for mamas)...thankfully I have two girls so we can use these for a couple of years! And now I've looked online and I can't get over all their other cute stuff...why have I never shopped here before???

Have a happy weekend...I'll be busy waiting for my alarms to go off to give myself injections and head into the clinic for another ultrasound.

♥ Ashley

be sure to check out these posts:
the best ever Pumpkin Dessert
the best ever Pancakes
the Sugar Goblin