I will always remember

My friend Erinn over at Strawberry Swing and other Things wrote a post earlier this month about Pregnancy Loss, as a "Loss Mama" myself her post really hit home. You can read her post on it here.

I don't think that anyone can truly understand how this feels unless they have experienced it.  Not only is the initial loss of the baby a difficult thing but the pain doesn't really ever go away.  Even if a new baby has come into your life, they don't replace the ones that have been lost, sure they bring light and joy and love in but the fact remains that those little bundles who never made it, still aren't here.

With each of my four pregnancy losses I have calculated what the due date would have been.  Each year (especially with my first loss) around their due date, I can't help but feel just a little sad.  Other people may forget about that precious little one, but the Mama who carried them for 5 weeks, 6 weeks, 8 weeks, or even 40 weeks will not ever forget that little baby who could have been or when they would have been.  There are babies out there that are the "same age" as my loss babies, while I love them they serve as a little reminder of what I almost had and my love for them is bittersweet.

Before I became a "Loss Mama", I don't think that I could really grasp this idea.  Now after being one four times (and each loss was SO different from the one before) I still don't know how to comfort others.  I can be there to hug them or listen and feel their pain.  Words can help, but they can also makes things worse. My heart goes out to all "Loss Mama's" and pray that they get to experience the joys of motherhood.

Time goes by and the pain may become a little bit less.  But you can't help but wonder what that little one would have been like had they made it.  Would they look more like you or their father? What would they act like? Who would they be?  One day we will get to meet them.  I have faith in that.  I know it was my mother's dream to become a grandparent, unfortunately she passed before that would become a reality.  I find great peace and a little bit of joy in knowing that she is up there with my babies in Heaven, loving on them and teaching them all the things I would have asked her to if she were still here.

October is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month and I wanted to share my story.

♥ Ashley