Finding the Window

For over a year I have been praying everyday for a viable pregnancy, for a sibling for Ellie, that God would find favor in us and heal us, that He would be gracious and bless us with a biological baby, that I would get to be a member of the pregnancy club that has been so elusive to me, that I would get to feel a baby kick in my belly and hear our child's heartbeat.  I have been praying for my other friends who have struggled with loss and fertility and that God would bless them: Courtney, Astleigh, Jenni, Jessah, Tawnya, and also Nat who is still waiting.

It's so crazy how quickly our perspective can change when things start to "go our way" and how we become so full of hope, dreams, planning, and excitement.  Then in a matter of minutes your whole life and the future you had just been imagining can be ripped away from you with four little words: "I'm sorry it's ectopic".

I feel so naive thinking that I wasn't ever going to have to publish another post like this.  A post about another pregnancy loss.  This is number 5 which means that I will be adding another bird to my tattoo.  

I will admit that when we found out we were pregnant we had some reservations and were trying to not get our hopes up too much.  I had all sorts of symptoms that I haven't had with any of my previous losses, so we were cautiously optimistic.  I had sore boobs, nausea, and fatigue, not to mention the lightest spotting ever.  I had blood tests done last week that came back so promising! The first Beta was 371 and the second Beta 786! My numbers had never actually doubled in my four previous pregnancies (nor had they been high enough to make us think the pregnancy was going to survive).  Thomas and I started to talk about how/when we wanted to announce our pregnancy and then started to brainstorm some gender reveals.  We were scheduled for our first ultrasound (to hopefully hear a heartbeat) on the 14th.

Then the next day I started to experience some cramping and spotting, I convinced myself that it was okay because it was all brown blood and I shouldn't worry, my doctor was closed for the holiday weekend so we had to wait until Monday before I could call.  They wanted me to go in for another blood draw and then have an ultrasound to rule out an ectopic.  Monday was one of our longest and worst days.  We were in the ultrasound for over an hour, the radiologist got called in to look at the area of concern near my right ovary.  You guys! there was a little sac...we actually saw it, but since it wasn't in the uterus it was ectopic and stuck in that damn right fallopian tube again...I hate that fucker!  We immediately went in for a followup with my doctor who confirmed that it was ectopic and that my left ovary has some endometriosis on it so we will have to start monitoring it.  I had more blood drawn to check my Beta again as well as my liver and other stuff before I could have an injection of methotrexate to terminate the pregnancy.  

I was a hot mess.  My doctor mentioned for the fourth time that I really should have a tubal ligation and now with a third diagnosed ectopic pregnancy that basically I have a 0% chance of every having an intrauterine pregnancy unless we go the IVF route.  On Tuesday the 7th I went back in to my doctor to get my blood test results and from July 1st to the 6th my numbers went from 786 to 924 in the morning to 1307 in the evening.  So even if we didn't go in for an ultrasound the blood work would have shown that something is wrong.  I got my dose of methotrexate and am now officially in the miscarriage part of this fifth pregnancy. I have been struggling with WHY God played such a sick joke on us.  Why He would only answer half of my prayer.  Why would He let us get pregnant just to take the babe away at 5 weeks and 6 days?  Why won't He let us experience this?  Why does He keep breaking our hearts?  Why does He keep giving us a glimmer?

 In addition to praying for a viable pregnancy I have been praying for Peace and Clarity.  Now at almost 36 hours from learning that we were going to lose our baby once again, I can give up TTC.  I KNOW now that a natural uterine pregnancy is NEVER going to happen, especially if I choose to go through with a Tubal Ligation (which scares the SHIT out of me).  I am now ready to put 100% focus on our next ADOPTION.  God has made it quite clear through this fifth loss that adoption is our route for growing our family.  Ellie is the greatest blessing in the world and out of all the babies we could have been placed with God chose HER for us.  I know He has a plan and has already chosen our next baby for us, He has just been waiting for us to fully commit to the process again.  It's expensive, much more so than if we could just get pregnant on our own, and we would love all the help we can get in funding for this adoption.  Every $1 counts and we feel so blessed by whatever you feel called to donate.  I also ask that you will pray for us through this journey we are embarking on and that God will continue to provide for us and abundantly so.

♥ Ashley

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