Friday, October 13, 2017

Friday Ramblings in October

Do you watch "This is Us"?  I adore that show and truth be told, even though I was a die hard Gilmore Girls fan I did not recognize Milo.  There I said it, my secret is out.  I can relate to this show on so many levels and maybe that's why I love it so much.  Loss of a child(ren), loss of a parent, adoption, and finding yourself.  Well if you do watch the show or not in the latest episode there was a line that just hit me. 

"There is no such thing as a long time ago; there are the memories that mean something and the memories that don't"

So I wanted to talk a little about the memories that mean something.

This time of year is filled with mixed emotions.  I love October and the onset of the holiday season. October is also known as Pregnancy and Infant Loss month, where remember all those who never were. So I am vividly reminded about my life 7 years ago.   In all honesty I'm not even sure how 7 years have already passed.  Thomas and I had started our medical intervention for our infertility.  We had already gone through an HSG and two rounds of clomid with no such luck.  In October of 2010, we added a trigger shot (HCG) to our clomid cycle.  We were filled with so much hope and anticipation, so imagine our excitement in early November when I finally (after 2 years) got a positive pregnancy test!! Then I miscarried with what was an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured and required emergency surgery to save my life.  Since 2010, I have suffered 4 more miscarriages one of which was another ectopic pregnancy that required emergency surgery to save my life.  It's been a rough road, full of emotions and all the hard stuff that goes along with losing a child(ren).
So I want to give out a virtual hug to all those Mama's out there who have carried a child in their heart and not in their arms, I feel you sister and I remember.

Another memory that "This is Us" sparks up are all the memories of my mom.  She passed away from a 15 month battle with brain cancer in March 2012.  Not a day goes by that I don't have some sort of thought of her.  She was kind and supportive, strict and judgmental, loving and an awesome cook.  My siblings and I were her life and much like me her main goal in life was to be a mom.  We didn't always make it easy on her but she rocked at it.  I often find myself in this parenting journey wondering how my mom did it.  I try to reflect back to my childhood and think about the person I am today and try to combine the two into how I am raising my girls.  Parenting isn't easy...and it's much harder when you do it motherless.

"This is Us" also speaks to me on a completely other level...adoption.  I know it well seeing as both of my girls are adopted.  I remember getting the call about both of them.  Ellie's adoption was so raw and emotional...we were still coming off of the pain and loss of pregnancies and my mom along with stories about birth mom's changing their minds that we couldn't breathe until she was ours and we were on our way home with her.  She has been the biggest blessing in our lives and the joy she brings to us in immeasurable.  Finnley's adoption wasn't without worry but it was seamless and perfect...we had Ellie to distract us but also the knowledge and experience of what to expect.  She has been the best addition to our family and brings so much laughter and hilarity to our lives.  Ellie adores being a big sister and having a little sister.  Watching the two of them together and their bond grow and develop has been so much better than I ever could have imagined.  This momlife is so much better than what I signed up for and while the days are long I wouldn't trade it for anything.

lately on the blog:
Pumpkin Crunch Cake the easiest pumpkin dessert ever!
Wheat Germ Pancakes and update on a classic
Ellie's 4th Birthday one of the hottest days of the year perfect for our "island girl"

♥ Ashley

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♥ Ashley