Every now and then I get really annoyed with people, our society, FB and Pinterest. Okay okay not with Pinterest as a whole but with all those pins about announcing your pregnancy. Its no secret here on this blog that I suffer infertility problems. But seeing how big of a deal people make it to just announce that they got pregnant (probably on their first try) is just devastating to me and makes me feel like this big huge failure. While I love the idea of announcing in a big way it just pulls at my heartstrings and reminds me of how far behind (my) schedule I really am.
Now don't get me wrong, I am truly excited and happy for those who can and do get pregnant but I still feel a little, ok A LOT, jealous of them.
You might be asking, now why is she ranting about pregnancy and such? We had a big week this past week. I was feeling just fine on Monday and Tuesday. But then around 9:00 on Tuesday night, I was sitting on the couch watching "The Big Bang Theory" when I got these intense, severe, constant pain in my lower right abdominal area (think my right fallopian tube). I have felt this pain before back in 2010 when I suffered from an ectopic pregnancy, but there was NO WAY that it was happening again. I told Thomas that I needed to go to bed and lay down and could he please bring me some pain meds. It wasn't more than 10 minutes after taking the pills that I was in the bathroom puking. And then I was crying because it reminded me of last time this happened I was with my mom, I miss her so much. I told Thomas that we might need to go to the ER, because I was pretty sure this was another ectopic, I have no idea how it could be, but what is the other explanation? We called his mom to let her know that we might be going to the hospital that night, and then had her call Thomas' brother's girlfriend (who is an ER nurse) we gave her the symptoms and she gave us some advice. Then I called the emergency line for my OBGYN and talked to the Dr. on call. We were advised to take a pregnancy test. If the pain continued we should go to the ER as I am at risk of an ectopic pregnancy, otherwise wait until morning and call during office hours.
I had to call my administrator to let them know what was going on and that I would not be able to go in to work the following day. Thomas got back with the pregnancy test but I was unable to take it due to no fluids in my body. Then just as quickly as the pain came on the pain went away. Woke up in the morning to take the test. Never in my life did I think I would be so disappointed and upset to see a positive on that little stick. How could I be pregnant? I am only 15 days into my cycle!! Long story short we had to go in for blood tests and ultrasounds. I had fluid (blood) in my pelvic region. a couple of cysts on my left ovary, a small one on my right and an inflamed right fallopian tube. My blood work came back with counts high enough to guesstimate that I was 6 weeks pregnant. I needed to repeat my bloodwork two days later to see what was happening.
On Friday my count decreased by about half, indicating that I was miscarrying. I have felt some discomfort since Tuesday, missing my mom a lot, getting a lot of comfort from friends and family, and feelings of sadness but also hope. We a hoping that this is just a normal miscarriage and that I am not at risk for another fallopian rupture requiring surgery. I find great satisfaction in the fact that we were able to get pregnant all on our own.
The thing that really bothers me is how much we (women) hold in and keep to ourselves. I did not know that so many women in my life we also struggling with getting pregnant, or having miscarriages. Why do we choose to fight this battle on our own? We can receive so much more by sharing with others and getting comfort knowing that we are not alone or the only ones going through this! Please do me a favor. Talk about it. Share about it. Don't hold it in. You will find so much more healing if you share. Your disappointment in others will not be as great if you just share what is going on.
Our Lord works in mysterious ways but he works for our good. I have faith in his plan. I know that he is good.