Live and Learn: Sharing Infertility

Ok so here is the deal: when we first found out that we were struggling with infertility it wasn't a subject I really wanted to talk about.  I am constantly reminded about this disease every day, all the time.  It was really challenging to keep it all in but I just didn't feel comfortable talking about it.  After reading through some of my favorite blogs and how the writers were sharing their story it got me thinking...maybe it would help to get it out there.  What I learned was that by putting it out there and sharing with all of you, it has actually helped with my healing process, I have been able to meet many more women who are also diagnosed with this disease, and I we are able to confide and comfort each other.

It was really hard for me to start talking openly about our struggles with infertility and then the loss(es) of our child(ren).  Yep you read that right.  I have been pregnant a total of 4 times and lost each one of those children within the first trimester.  But let me tell you it has gotten a little easier.  I am better equipped to wrap my brain about our struggles and losses and by sharing this with you it helps me to "release" it.

Infertility is a constant battle.  Some people learn early on of their inability to carry/have children while others it takes years.  Some are given a "reason" for why they cannot have children while others are left on the "unexplained" bus.  Not only that but some people (men and women) can experience what is called Secondary Infertility.  That means that at some point after having their first (or second) child something happened within their body that is causing them to be unable to conceive again.

While so many of us who are dealing with this disease do so silently, we are constantly reminded of how our bodies are failing to work for us.  There are ebbs and flows that happen.  Depending on how strong our desire is to have children we can be totally consumed by this disease and are always thinking about it.  For me; every time I go on Facebook or Instagram or even read a blog and someone is announcing a pregnancy: it stings.  When I see pregnant women at work, in the grocery store, or at church: it burns.  When my period starts: I cry - not because of my hormones but because it was another failed cycle (I have had over 50 failed cycles) and I am not pregnant.

I don't think that I am the only one who feels this way but what I do know is I don't share it verbally.  It is so much easier for me to gather my thoughts on paper on blog posts than it is to talk face to face with someone.

Where I stand right now with my infertility is this: I have had four miscarriages, two of which were ectopic.  That puts me at about a 60% chance of having another ectopic pregnancy.  Since we are unaware of what sort of damage my right fallopian tube has gone through with both ectopic pregnancies an HSG scan would be the next logical step.  That is about an $1,100 procedure that is NOT covered by insurance at all.  From there we could go back onto fertility drugs either do ultrasounds for follicle studies with a shot of HCG to stimulate ovulation and an IUI or just go the natural route.

However, my doctor does suggest that I have one if not both of my fallopian tubes removed.  That would mean that the only way I could conceive a child would be through IVF.  At this point I don't think that God is calling us to do IVF nor am I fully comfortable with the idea of removing all possibilities of getting pregnant naturally.

So that is where we are at this time.  Prayers please that we can add another little to our family soon!!

♥ Ashley
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