March 9, 2014-two years later

I have been a total mess this whole week leading up to both the 5th and the 9th.  Yesterday I was stricken with a horrible migraine. I am still feeling some of the remnants today. 

My Momala was diagnosed with stage 4 gliblastoma brain cancer in December 2010 (about two weeks after we officially lost our first baby).

She underwent surgery to remove the tumor and was released in time for us to enjoy Christmas as a family. During 2011 we were able to spend lots of time with her, go on a family cruise in the Caribbean, see my oldest/youngest cousin get married, celebrate my dads 70th birthday, and enjoy a family Thanksgiving at our farm. My mom was also able to attend my Christmas Tea in December 2011. 

In December 2011 we announced our plan to adopt to my mom and she was thrilled at the prospect of becoming a grandmother (her hearts desire after having us three). We had worked so hard to try and provide her with a grandchild. 

Around this time her cancer had spread to the point it left her stuck in bed, unable to control her legs. She progressively got worse and was unable to control her arms or communicate.  She spent most of her time "sleeping".  It was becoming apparent that she not be present in her grandchildren's lives. 

On March 5th 2012, I found myself at a district meeting for work and felt a rush of blood. I have never seen so much blood in my life. I spent more of my meeting in the bathroom (losing our second baby) than in the actual meeting. I was in shock and unable to make out what was happening.  It wasn't until later that I was able to understand. 

On March 9th 2012, I got a call from my dad during one of my classes in the morning. He was calling to tell me that my Momala had lost her battle with cancer and left us to be with our Lord.  I was in shock. I went back to class and finished it. Luckily I was due for a break after this group. I went to tell my principal the news and while I was telling him it started to sink in. He told me to go home and they would take care of covering the rest of my classes for the day.  I called Thomas and told him that my mom had passed. He too was able to take the rest of the day off. From there my memory is a fog. I know that I cried. I know that we went to Costco. I love looking at the books. I saw "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young and had been looking for a daily devotional. I flipped to March 9th and this was the passage. 

It spoke to me. So we bought it. I know that eventually we made it to my dad's house.  My mom was already gone by the time we got there. 

Everyday I miss my mom. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. My grieving process has been a long one. I can now say that I am not angry.  I was for a long time. My heart breaks that my mom has not gotten to be a part of Ellie's life in the way we had all thought and hoped she would. We talk about her a lot. She will not be forgotten. 

To see the silver lining: my Momala is in Heaven with my babies (all four of them) bein the best "Lidda" ever! And she gets to have all the time with them she wants. She is caring for them and watching them for when we will all be reunited. So thank you Momala. Thank you for teaching me how to be a mama to my sweet Ellie. Thank you for taking care of my sweet babies in Heaven. Thank you. 

♥ Ashley